The Breaking Point

Wow.  So much to say, feeling speechless actually.  The gist?  Went on a road trip and the hubby had the worst mental breakdown yet.  Things got so bad I had to take the kiddos and leave.  The name calling was horrendous and at one point he even picked up the hotel tv and held it over my head.  I got in the car with the kids and have not seen him since.  That was over three weeks ago.  We've spoken and he has started therapy, . . . It's about fucking time.  Me?  I'm angry.  The relationship is broken and the trust is just about gone. It feels horrible.  We are speaking tonight to discuss living situation.  I have asked him to move out however I don't believe he has the mental awareness or capacity to execute such a thing.  Even if it means his kids won't get the comfort of their home.  Ugh.  I'm in a quandary and each day feels difficult.  I also know that life rains on us and then the skies clear and the sun comes out.  I keep reminding myself to live one day at a time and the answers will come.  I know all is ok, I am safe and I am loved, and that, my friends, is the most important.

If my kid can keep with the thumbs up, so can I. 

Namaste

"Snap Out Of It!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF IT!"  Sometimes I just want to yell this at the top of my lungs, stomp my feet, grab my husbands shoulders and shake him.  Maybe I could rattle his depression out of him!  No, I know this isn't true.  But holy fuck!  His depression is spreading its tentacles to the entire family and there are times all I want to do is run.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed to!  I don't believe I am though, I get down, but it's nowhere near the same as what I witness happening with him.

When it gets bad, I mean his depression turns to more than just him being down and he starts raging or doing irrational things,  I can't help but wonder how much of this I can take.  I have to keep reminding myself of my vows, "in sickness and in health", and remembering to detach and not take it personally.  It's just so darn hard sometimes.  The past couple of weeks have been down days every day.  I mean when I'm around him I feel so heavy, angry and sad.  I have always been an empath and separating my own emotions from others can be tricky at times.  At the moment, our relationship is in a total breakdown.  Our communication is next to zero and my kids are suffering from what is happening.  My daughter in particular, I see her lashing out in similar ways and him lashing out back at her!  It's like I have three children instead of two!  Ugh.

Regardless, one day at a time, right?  Next week I am off for some fun in our closest big city, the kiddos will be joining me and we are going to see what it feels like to take a break from all this doom and gloom.  Simply put, we need to get out and have some fun, so we are!  Big love to everybody out there, happy or sad, we all need it.

xoxo  Me

Morning Jitters

I always seem to wake up with morning jitters these days.  Not only am I awoken, usually, by a crying child who needs my attention, but from there on out I have demands on me pretty much the entire day until I go to bed.  Morning is also the time when the hubby is most unpredictable.  He hasn't yet taken any of his medication and he usually wakes up feeling bad.  Sometimes he takes this mood out on me, other times he simply just sleeps till the afternoon.  He's never been much of a morning person, neither have I to be honest, but these days the mornings have been extra difficult.  

My therapist recommended I set an alarm and wake up 15 minutes earlier than when I think my son will wake up, to just orient myself, take a few deep breaths and have some "me" time before the day gets going.  Although "me" time sounds really nice, every minute of sleep feels like it counts.  Yeah, I know, 15 minutes won't really make a difference, but it sure doesn't feel that way when my eyes open in the morning.  Anyway, I've got my kids bouncing around me and cats meowing for food, my tummy is rumbling, so I'd better get going.  I'm so grateful for my kiddos, they make me laugh and are such a source of joy and love.  They never cease to amaze me with their creativity and how amusing just putting Christmas songs on in June can be.  I love them so much.  AND thank goodness for their presence.  I'm so blessed.

Half Full or Half Empty?

One of the first photos my husband took once he was feeling better after his fall. 

I've been wanting to start up a blog relating to my husbands depression for a while.  I have another blog that I write frequently on which gets regular traffic from friends and family members.  I know I have nothing to hide, but for some reason, the thought of sharing the details of this aspect of my life with all those that know me feels very intrusive.  My hopes is for this to be somewhat of an anonymous blog.  A place for me to find refuge in my writing as well as share my experiences with others who may be experiencing similar situations.  

I have known my husband now for 11 and 1/2 years.  We've been married for 10 and have two beautiful children.  The details are far to great to get into in one blog post, but the gist of things is that since I've known him, he has always been prone to depression or some sort of sadness has plagued him.  I find it interesting that we are together since most of the time I'm a glass is half full gal and he's quite the opposite.  I guess it's true that opposites do attract. 

Although he has struggled on and off with anger, depression, and PTSD from his childhood there have only been a couple of times when the intensity of his illness has gotten so great that it has scared the shit out of me.  The first time was after my first born arrived.  I believe the shock of becoming a parent (and quitting smoking) sent him into a tizzy and we went through a very dark period.  I, being the hormonal and exhausted mess that I was dove straight in with him.  I am not characteristically depressed.  I feel so blessed that I have not experienced this element of pain in my life, however I have been subject to the ups and downs of pregnancy hormones as well as a long period of grief after losing my mother at the age of 31.  I believe life is beautiful, even its darker moments.

We moved to a remote island in the Pacific Northwest last fall (2012) with the hopes of finding fresh air and a safe environment to raise our kids.  When my husband fell down and cracked a rib at the beginning of a dark winter, things began to decline.  After being bed-ridden for over a month and not seeing the light of day or feeling a single ray of sun for this period of time he became depressed and angry.  The winter was filled with fighting and tears, from our entire family.  At points I felt that no matter what I said "it was wrong".  I had moments of reprieve when I would start to think things were getting better and then tempers would flair.  He was depressed and I was exhausted.  

After his rib started to get better a new physical ailment appeared.  My husband developed a pain in his solar plexes.  He would complain about it and say that the only way to relieve it would be to induce vomiting.  He spent his days in bed and all I would hear from him was retching and moaning for sometimes as long as a week.  Then, somehow, he would come out of it and 2-3 weeks later the same cycle would happen all over again.

It's summer now and the cycle continues, I can't even count how many times it's happened now.  My husband just began to start eating again after another 5 day long retreat in the furnished basement of our house.  He even missed our daughter's 4th birthday party.  I went to the Dr. with him this week and for the first time I feel that I have come out of my own denial of the situation.  My husband is very sick and unless he somehow gets help aside from just his regular MD I don't believe he will be able to snap out of this horrible cycle.  Although he is willing to get mental help, he doesn't seem interested in it till he gains some strength back.  I don't know if it is even possible since the two are so interconnected.  I'm afraid he may have to be institutionalized if he doesn't seek help immediately.  

Basically, my husband is suffering from a form of bulimia.  Not the typical type which is related to body image and the desire to grow thin, but more like a form of "cutting", where he does the retching to relieve a deeper pain inside him (the pain in his solar plexus).  I don't know how, but somehow it works, as a quick fix obviously.  He has scabs on his middle finger from sticking his finger down his throat, he has lost over 30 pounds in 4 months.  He looks like a ghost and his skin is grey.  It is one of the most heart aching things I have ever witnessed.  

My daughter has asked me several times if "Daddy is going to die" and I even witnessed her sticking her hands down her throat at one point to mimic him.  At times I become torn between the desire to keep my family together and help my husband into recovery or packing my bags and getting the hell out before my kids witness their father completely destroy himself.  This is one of the most difficult experiences I have had to go through.

One day at a time seems to be my motto these days, that and the serenity prayer.  At least my husband is slowly taking steps in the right direction.  Although it is not on my time table, or the route I may take, I see him trying.  I know he doesn't want to live like this, I don't either.  In the meantime, I am cultivating my own support group and doing the best to take care of my kids as well as stay as sane as I can amidst the chaos I am living with.  I love my husband with all my heart, it would fall to pieces if he weren't around.  Deep breath.  One day at a time my friends.  One Day At A Time.